| What is wrong with these people? |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|12:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  so lonely... | ] |
Alright, this is totally weird, people keep giving me advice to help me
become more popular, but people always get offended by it. I'll
write down one or two cases where this has happened and if anyone can
see what the problem is, let me know. I mean, maybe i'm just
hanging around with the wrong people, right?
Anyway, the most recent was just this last week. A friend of mine
told me that it was really cool these days to say "-ness" at the end of
things, like "dude, that was so much sweetness" or "check out that
guy's package, so much bigness!" Well, the next day, I got
another friend to bring me with him to dinner with one of his friends
from work, and she served split-pea soup with ham and a side
salad. Anyway, the split pea soup wasn't that good, and I didn't
want to lie, so I decided to comment on how much pea flavor there was,
so I said "Wow, this totally tastes like peaness." And, get this,
she totally wigged out! It was like my compliment wasn't raving
enough for her, what a hole. Well, I tried to make a quick save,
by complimenting the salad, so I gave it an "A" like you'd get in
school if you did really well on a test. "And this salad is total
Aness," I said, and then she threw me out of her house! Such an
ungrateful wench, I compliment her food and she kicks me out.
Alright, now you're probably thinking that I just got unlucky and went
to dinner at the bitch-of-the-universe's house, but this kind of thing
happens to me all the time. A month or so before that last incident,
some asian exchange student at my college was talking about etiquette
and she said that belching after a meal was polite because it shows
that you enjoyed the food enough to get some air down along with
it. The next week, I was having dinner at this totally hot girl's
house, and she's from mexico or something, so I thought "hey, they use
a lot of beans and meat, so if you were to eat a lot of their food,
you'd probably fart a lot too," so I took a 2-week supply of Beano
before going over there (in small doses, and taken with food, Beano
prevents gas, but taken in excess on an empty stomach makes you have
totally rank farts all day.) Anyway, I get over to her house and,
she shows me into this really cozy dining room that seats two people,
it was totally romantic; and sure enough, she served beef and bean
enchiladas. Oh man, you should have heard the volume. I ate
some food, making sure to swallow a good bunch of air with it, and then
projected some really good burps. A little bit of ground beef
even flew out on the third belch, which totally showed how much of a
hurry I was in to get that delicious food in my mouth. But she
didn't react well, she just sort of stared at me like I was some kind
of crazy person. So I whipped out the big guns, I'd been saving
up a whole lot of gas for when it would be realistic for the food to
start going through, so I was ready for a big one. I let it
rip. Oh man, you should have been there, it started out as one of
those really loud dry ones that's kind of low pitched, but then it took
on this wet quality (later on, I found out why it sounded so wet) and
then it finished off all squeaky as I squeezed out the last bit.
Well it totally filled that tiny room up, and I was pretty impressed
with myself, but guess what she did...she ran out of the room yelling
for me to leave, and open a window on the way out. I was pretty
hurt that she didn't want a smell to remember me by, but hey, her loss.
Ok, so it's pretty obvious that these people I hang out with have
totally messed up reactions when someone tries to impress them.
Am I trying too hard, or am I just hooking up with some world-class
wierdos? I don't know, I guess I'll just keep trying new people
and new techniques. I guess I'll start with this thing I read in
one of those sex-life magazines. It said that women dig it when
you buy them really sexy and revealing lingerie (one set for you and
one set for her) and there's this girl at work I have a crush on, so I
bought a "Glory Hole" set out of one of my catalogs and i'm going to
wrap it up and pass it to her on lunch break. I think she may be
the one, folks, wish me luck!
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|01:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Is that any of your business? | ] |
Whoa, hey, it's my first journal entry! This would be great news if my
chair wasn't so damn uncomfortable!
It's digging into my tailbone, I hate it.
Have you ever sat on a really hard chair with the lump in the middle to
make it "fit your contours?"
Well that's what I'm doing right now, and I feel like i'm sitting on a
friggin' 2X4.
Oh yeah, all you people* who are reading this (I'm looking at you,
Mike,) no; That is not my picture. It is, however, related to my
name. First person to guess the connection wins a free
cyber-sundae! (That is where I tell you that I'm giving you ice cream,
but you don't actually get anything at all, but I get to laugh at how
much of a nerd you are for pretending to enjoy it.)
Hey, don't eat that!
Grr, cats, I gotta go!
* the plural form is used only as a formality, due to the possibility
that someone should stumble upon my journal in the
future. I am fully aware that nobody, other than the occasional BLOG-browsing fruitcake (no offense,) is interested in my
ramblings.
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